Gardening for Dummies: I hate Monsanto

***** Update: I'm sitting here late tonight totally stressed out about having just fed my plants a Monsanto product. How on earth do they do it?! How is Monsanto EVERYWHERE?! Clearly, I'm a rookie gardener ... I've been honest about that from day 1. I have to learn to read labels and research. Just like I search every label for high fructose corn syrup, I must now google search every company to find out if its parent company is Monsanto and therefore not consumable. Sorry to so carelessly promote something from evil Monsanto.

DON'T USE MIRACLE GRO. I'll be throwing mine out now ... actually, I'll probably take it back to Costco since they have such a great return policy. Or maybe call the money guarantee on the back of the box. Ugh. I'll let you know what I find as a replacement ... and how well my garden does without it.

How to: Clean your windows like a PRO

Okay.

So. Here’s the deal. We are all going to agree and take an oath and make a pact right now … that we don’t care about my dusty plant, okay?

Because it’s the truth. CLEARLY. I do not care about that plant. Superman loves plants. Me? Notsomuch. They’re just another thing to feed and take care of so they don’t die. Most days, I barely remember to feed my kids.

I’m joking. Kinda.

Okay.

I’m glad we made that deal/oath/pact. Now.

Let’s talk about my disgusting, nasty, grotesquely dusty windows, shall we?

We shall.

Because … this is where I’m going to teach you how to clean your windows like a pro … and I’ll pretend like I do it all the time … even though I don’t … and we’ll all save lots of money on window cleaning … and we’ll give each other high fives, fist bumps, and the thumbs up … and we’ll all go home feeling like rock stars.

Ready, set, go.

Now. Let’s all take a gander at my gross windows …

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwww. Agggggghhhhhhhh.”

I’m just keepin’ it real. I’ve never claimed to be anything but GHETTO.

I don’t know. I just don’t know how on earth I let them get so dirty. So, don’t ask. Cause I really don’t know.

Whew.

Now that my confessional is over and I feel totally naked and exposed, here’s all you need to do something about those gross windows in your house (I can’t possibly be the ONLY one with gross windows):

Sprayway foaming glass cleaner, a lint free cloth, and a squeegee. BAM.

Coat your windows with Sprayway.

** If you are doing the top portion of your window, I HIGHLY recommend placing the cloth along the bottom of the top portion (where the locks are) so that when you squeegee the cleaner off, it doesn’t fill the cracks between window sections. I hope that made sense.

So. Coat the windows with Sprayway … squeegee off … then use your lint free cloth to wipe away any streaks (from the edges of the squeegee). And BAM! Your windows will sparkle!

Sorry, guys. I forgot to get pictures before I put the blinds back down … no way was I muscle-ing them back up. Don’t get crazy. We all know I’m too lazy for that crazy business.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, there’s that dusty plant again … the one that we took a vow to pay no attention to. Thanks for not paying any attention to it.

** As for the outside of the window? … I just sprayed them off with the hose and let them air dry. If you want, you can go all crazy and take the ladder outside and squeegee those too. But, as you can tell … it’s not really necessary.

Happy Spring Cleaning, y’all! :D

Next time, I’ll show you how to dust off all those indoor plants …

Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust. Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidding.